Sunday, January 29, 2012

Sacrilegious Sunday: NFL 2011 Season Reflection

Will preface this by saying I am copping out this time on Sacrilegious Sunday, partly because there are no football games and didn't want to bother with commenting on other sports. Mostly because don't have the time to give this proper attention. So here are some absurd things that have happened over the season in my manic mind, all that scientifically point to an impending apocalypse.

There used to be 3 undefeated teams early in the season. Green Bay Packers, last season champions, made sense. However, how did the Detroit Lions make it? More perplexing, how did the Buffalo Bills stay undefeated for awhile? How did the Lions make it to the playoffs?

Let's go back to the Bills, they BEAT the PATRIOTS! Ironically, with a last minute field goal, the way the Pats have won just about all their Super Bowls with. Let's kick up the notch, Bills lose the very next week the same way they beat the Pats!

On the complete other end of the spectrum there were 3 teams that seemed like they would NEVER win a game. The expected losers were St. Louis Rams, then Miami Dolphins. Yet the Indianapolis Colts were undefeated for near eternity. Mostly because Peyton Manning was out. New Orleans, you know you will be in same boat if anything ever happened to Drew Brees. Speaking of which, ironic that the magick city held "Voodoo" fest on Halloween weekend, same time that St. Louis Rams won their first game by beating those Saints.

Last food for thought, anybody find it strange how the last undefeated team (Green Bay Packers) lost their first game the same week that Indianapolis Colts won their first game this season? And that baby Manning is in the spotlight pressure to win since big brother is out?

Just stating the facts, you be the judge and feel free to add other absurdities. Cheers to what may be the strangest, and hopefully last, Super Bowl we ever see.

Best,

Rev. Rex James

Friday, January 27, 2012

DTFriday: Name That Butthole!

Yesterday Cassandra Nix was asked something I had never quite thought about. Until now...

"Haha most likely..test me RT : Could you identify your butthole from a lineup of buttholes?"

Now I have seen a number of naked bodies in my day, in person and screen, and there are certain body parts that are fairly distinguishing. Breasts, they come in all shapes, sizes, and nipple variation. Fairly easy for someone to pick out their own breasts. Pussy, there is a wide variety too. Poon intended. The esteemed butthole, by and large, is not. I am not talking about le butt in its entirety, because they come in all makes and models. Only the hole. Things that make the butthole distinguishable are if it is a huge gaper, specific skin color, or there is a tattoo around it for all the to see.

Thus, I am challenging everyone to see how well they know their buttholes in America's soon to be favorite game show on Fox: Name That Butthole! Below are photos of buttholes, that have been cropped to focus on this orifice. No alterations or enlargements, just simple print screens. And I want to see who, if anybody, can guess five select buttholes of starlets correctly. No buttholes were reused, you just have to figure out who it belongs to out of the following (in alphabetical order)

1) Tori Black
2)Allie Haze
3)Kaylani Lei
4)Cassandra Nix
5)Faye Reagan

So here you go Cassandra Nix, your chance to prove you can name your butthole out of a lineup!

A
 B
 C
 D
 E

Answers to be posted during next week's DTFriday, with full image of where these lovely holes came from. No prizes to be won here, simply bragging rights and choice between blessing or curse from yours truly.

Best,

Rev. Rex James

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Sacrilegious Sunday: Super Bowl Prophecy 46 & 2

After demonstrating last Sunday how God was very much active in Timothy Tebow's final game this season, I have taken it upon myself to continue demonstrating how God is in every game with the "Sacrilegious Sunday" series. Here is how Patriots and Giants came to win their conferences, and how God will decide to intervene(fear?) in Super Bowl XLVI (46) at Indy.

Let us go chronologically, and start with Patriots/Ravens. This was a clear game to call on a Biblical level. Tebow thanked the 12th man this post season for win, pissing off the institution that gave us the spawn of Satan known as Rick Perry. Tom Brady's jersey number? 12. Like the disciples, tribes of Israel, and so and so forth. This hedonist is clearly God's favorite. Specific to Texans fans, justice was served with Ravens losing after last week when refs were either bribed, or lost their eye sight and called NOTHING against the Ravens. As opposed to CBS reporters pre-game saying "justice" was to Flacco for winning... You get my drift, end of story, next game. 

Giants versus 49ers. Another exciting game, resulting in over time. God communicated directly through scripture and dream on this one. How? Final play of the game, game winning 31 yard field goal by # 9 Lawrence Tynes. Let's go to the 3rd book of the Bible, chapter 1, verse 9...

"But his inwards and his legs shall he wash in water: and the priest shall burn all on the altar, to be a burnt sacrifice, an offering made by fire, of a sweet savour unto the Lord." - Leviticus 1:9

God was simply hungry to sweet revenge, through this sacrifice. Even Tynes immediately after the win said he dreamed of this moment. Except when he dreamed about it, he imagined it would be a 42 yard field goal instead of 31 (Super Bowl 42 was when Giants beat Patriots 17-14; add the two scores and you get length of today's field goal of "31"). Whether he misspoke, or was smart enough to make the connection is a different story.

Now we have the following scenario, God's chosen "12th Man" of hedonism from the Patriots, versus Indianaopolis' Peyton Manning brethren Eli's Giants. It is set up to be a sweet revenge match for Giants, with God as spectator. We'll see what this trickster God decides, though suspicion tells me pagan Giants will be slaughtered. Time will tell, or possibly scripture for twenty (book) 12, chapter 2 (Feb), verse 5 (Superbowl Sunday).

"And the sons of the prophets that were at Jericho came to Elisha, and said unto him, Knowest thou that the Lord will take away thy master from thy head to day? And he answered, Yea, I know it; hold ye your peace" - 2 Kings 2:5

Isn't prophecy rooted in Christian fundamentalism great? Or better yet how Super Bowl 46 will be the 2nd time Giants and Patriots face off to be crowned Super Bowl champions? Let's see how this human concoction Pans out with holy Bob's referencing of Tool's "46&2" from ├ćnema. Perhaps Arizona Bay is closer than we all realize. There might be a God after all. Let's see if people decided to learn to swim...

Best,

Rev. Rex James

Friday, January 20, 2012

DTFriday: AVN Awards

This weekend the AVN Awards will be held. And low and behold I wasn't nominated for anything, or even invited! The travesty! Unlike others, I will not be posting my picks for categories, because the sheer amount of categories makes the Grammys look like a prestigious award to win. Having said that, in closing I feel there are two categories that need to be added.

1) Best New Director

2) Best Blog/Reviewer

I rarely toot my own horn, though I feel after 2012, the industry will overwhelmingly decide I be given both of these awards.

Best,

Rev. Rex James

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Puscifer's Original Origin Professed

The question has been asked since the dawn of man. What is a Puscifer? There is a myth floating around that it is just a made up word that Maynard likes. Through arduous communication, the following transmission was received by a truthfully undependable source out of Hicksville, GA. Naturally, an other worldly organsmic HAM radio was used.


* This was when he watched pornography and asked questions. Usually simultaneously.
** For the chefs: It was a fried canned tuna fish sandwich, 2 parts Bumble Bee 1 part Starkist, 2 slices of faux American cheese, on unLaVeyed rye bread.
*** Maynard forgot all about the mustard.

With that aside, the world can now rest peacefully knowing how Puscifer  really came to be.

Best,

Rev. Rex James

Sunday, January 15, 2012

"Dear Tim Tebow, Have a Drink For Christ's Sake!"- God

Last week Tim Tebow essentially claimed that God was responsible for his win last week over the Steelers, because of the John 3:16 reference in his stats. What everyone is ignoring is that God also was communicating to Tim Tebow with yesterday's loss against the Patriots. What was God communicating? See for yourself.

"Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake and thine often infirmities"
- 1 Timothy 5: 23

Timothy's number for the mile high ponies is "15". The number of fourth down conversions was "2/3". See Tim and other fundamentalist Christians? It is ok to be a bit of a hedonist, quit being so proud of being sober. God wants you to drink. It will cure your sicknesses of a physical, mental, and spiritual nature.

And on that note, time for me to pop open a bottle, or 4, of the blood of Christ. Good thing Bible never defined what a "little" was.

Cheers everybody!

Best,

Rev. Rex James